Hesitate...

Hesitation is one of those words that has some stigma attached to it.  In sports I was always told don't hesitate.  In spirit, I find that hesitation might open my perspective to something I may have whizzed by.  I have herd how hesitating has stopped accidents, equally hesitating has caused accidents.  I know for me it leans towards the negative pole.

I am interested in observing how hesitation works in love.  Just go after it.  Does that mean that going after it doesn't include hesitations.  In basketball there is the hesitation step, where you give the defender the impression that your letting up but then penetrate quickly right past them.  Is love a sport?  Is there room for hesitation in love?  I am not sure and I know fear is my primary motivator for having hesitation.  I am beginning to see that there are no truths when it comes to love.

Each decision to act or hesitate is only interpretable.  One thing I worry about is my regret around not taking action.  There are times when I build anxiety around events where I think I could have acted better.  These times make me wonder about how flexible hesitation can be, like a reversible jacket.  I still do believe that we make the current decision the best decision, but regret has been a teacher.  Regret has become a tool that is allowing me to reflect on my attitudes and values because I think I could have used a few hesitations and I know I could have benefited from a few "just go for its".  I don't have clarity on decision making or regret.  I just appreciate that hesitation is not necessarily a bad thing, and that its used side is equally as effective as its unused side.

I see how I have grown to value the mystical and the spiritual.  It fills the void between feeling affirmed and regretful.  I often tell myself things happen for a reason and the reason may never be revealed to me.  This might be where faith is born.  I like to think I have faith and really don't like describing it because my faith includes too much doubt to be understood by the typical dogmatic understanding of faith.  But this is where my faith thrives.  My ego likes to be in control and control is power.  I like to lead because the ego feels valued.  I have not gotten to the point where I know when my ego is complimenting me or undermining me.  In the realm of spirituality nothing seems to stay constant, therefore nothing is good or bad, but only interpretable.

So, I go today, asking my ego to allow me to recognize my spirit, so that we can make quality interpretations of decisions to come and be prepared to reflect on our decisions experienced.  I have a foolish and naive belief that, if I trust in my spirit, those hesitations that I worry about will fall between the spectrum of grace and regret, both leaving me fully prepared to learn.

In honor of my mother who teaches me to forgive, regret, and apologize.   Francesca I love you!