Why fundraising is hard
Fundraising has been an amazing exercise in humility. You know America is a huge reason why the Guatemala endured a 30 year civil war. I get frustrated and even discouraged because my judgmental self gets irritated and starts to become cynical when I get told I can't help. The dreaded words "no". I want to explain the full history of how the Dulles brothers recklessly manipulated the region. I want to describe how our fear of communism resulted in the genocide of many. I want to describe the agricultural atrocities that we still chose to be blind to. I want to yell at how we can't afford to not help. Then I watch as I continue to be reminded that every little bit helps. I am reminded that I am not the only one who is aware of this country's shadow. I am not the only who one is sending money and effort to Guatemala. Despite most people in my small area of support being ignorant, blind, and uninspired about Guatemala, I can't and won't stop trying to pull the facade of perfection from the face of my country. We are free but others aren't.
Dad's plans
When things don't work out as planned, I tend to think they went wrong. When I think about what right is supposed to feel like it just as illusive as the feeling I feel when expectations aren't met. I am a father who won't make happiness happen, but I will be a dad who will try. I think my daughters have taught me to hold on to second chances, and to see each chance as a new and different try. Fathers Day is a day to remember that there are men who may or may not have helped life happen as planned. If I look at it a little differently and update my plans I get an opportunity to see how Dad is not an answer to life but a question about my lineage. So to dads who are what you are there will always be plans and hopefully they'll include you.
Psychology of value
A few weeks ago I went to bar with some friends. It was actually a club. Yes I was a sore thumb in a room full of pinkies. Anyway, I was pretty much being courteous and tagging along. So I sit there in wonder with how wild, erotic, and liberating the folks on the dance floor appear, remembering my cool guy days. I am sitting in a VIP area. In Albuquerque this isn't really much except a small piece of real estate next to the dance floor that is quarantined off with red velvet rope, maybe the size of a closet. So anyway the group I am with welcomes me and says help myself to the table service. What goes through my mind is taking the bottle of premium vodka and selling drinks cheaper than the bar for my trip Guatemala. I have had my two drink maximum for the evening ;) (this night it was four, but I wasn't driving so we'll blog about this another time) so I just sat and observed the lifestyle.
What is most discouraging and frustrating is that the table service, as it is called, runs about $400. The group I was with bought 2. $800 for one night of fun. Putting this into perspective, $400 dollars is a years salary for a teacher in Guatemala. To make it worse something happened that upset the person that bought the service and this person tossed the drink tray shattering glass and bottles all over the dance floor. I was blown away, embarrassed, and ashamed. I was the bourgeoisie, I was with the group of people who felt obligated to entertain themselves with consumption. Even worse was my lack of inspiration to say anything.
There was a disconnect from compassion as I accented up the social classes. I never made it very high up, but visited many events where the highest or elites made appearances. I have had my share of evenings spoiled with overpriced luxuries. I have convinced myself that my hard work is deserving of reward. I have wanted to seem important, significant, glamorous, and valuable. I hope as I hover below the average middle class lifestyle but beyond poverty that I seek value in information and understanding that builds efficient economies.
What is most discouraging and frustrating is that the table service, as it is called, runs about $400. The group I was with bought 2. $800 for one night of fun. Putting this into perspective, $400 dollars is a years salary for a teacher in Guatemala. To make it worse something happened that upset the person that bought the service and this person tossed the drink tray shattering glass and bottles all over the dance floor. I was blown away, embarrassed, and ashamed. I was the bourgeoisie, I was with the group of people who felt obligated to entertain themselves with consumption. Even worse was my lack of inspiration to say anything.
There was a disconnect from compassion as I accented up the social classes. I never made it very high up, but visited many events where the highest or elites made appearances. I have had my share of evenings spoiled with overpriced luxuries. I have convinced myself that my hard work is deserving of reward. I have wanted to seem important, significant, glamorous, and valuable. I hope as I hover below the average middle class lifestyle but beyond poverty that I seek value in information and understanding that builds efficient economies.
Criticize to rationalize its a better direction
I am in an amazing space in my life. I am accruing debt at a higher percentage than ever. I wake up and it scares me. I am not buying luxurious things, its just necessities. I am learning to appreciate the dependence that I have chosen, dependencies that are tied to social norm. I realize that much of my life is still geared toward a balance between simplicity and convenience. So I worry, but I don't think I am overwhelmed. Now how do I synthesize this into wisdom.
What first comes to mind is my self perception. Even after 37 years of life, 34 years of memories, and 20 years out of high school I still judge myself. I wake in the morning and recognize that my eyes are a little more tired looking. My body takes a lot longer to warm up when I work out. My joints are more stubborn than I remember them being. But my mind laughs. My mind says "you can still hang brother". If I stop now, it will only get harder later. I rest more and push myself less but I live the same. I am borrowing from laziness to pay off the debts I have accrued with anger and discipline. I am cashing in on some pleasurable comfort, knowing I am going to pay intensity back with interest. I am not wasting my lazy time though. I get enough done, but this allows me to feed my dreams, fears, and insecurities. In my laziness I remind myself of the disappointments in lifestyle, livelihood, and achievement. I am building a stockpile of motivation that I know I can do without but for humanistic reasons have convinced myself I need.
I realize I am willing to live with others, for others, and in spite of others. In the past I was living for me, to get mine. This is a subtle shift towards a community that I can't clearly recognize. The others in the first sentence of this paragraph is as dynamic as the weather. I can't clearly identify who is it that I am moving towards, with, or against. There is appreciation for chaos and a mistrust of planning. I am seeing balance everywhere. I am finding meaning in most or at least looking for it. I am preparing for surpluses and harvests that can't be seen in this drought. I am accruing a personal debt that may not be able to be paid off tomorrow, but I am not wasting the goods rendered. I am irresponsibly being devoted to simplicity. I am choosing to spend credit to keep from having to increase my income. I am spending laziness to keep from having to increase my intensity. I am resting because right now life feels like I can.
So this is a demonstration for how I have taken my criticisms and used them to build a rational for explaining my recent laziness. I might even call it excessive rest to give myself a poetic hug.
What first comes to mind is my self perception. Even after 37 years of life, 34 years of memories, and 20 years out of high school I still judge myself. I wake in the morning and recognize that my eyes are a little more tired looking. My body takes a lot longer to warm up when I work out. My joints are more stubborn than I remember them being. But my mind laughs. My mind says "you can still hang brother". If I stop now, it will only get harder later. I rest more and push myself less but I live the same. I am borrowing from laziness to pay off the debts I have accrued with anger and discipline. I am cashing in on some pleasurable comfort, knowing I am going to pay intensity back with interest. I am not wasting my lazy time though. I get enough done, but this allows me to feed my dreams, fears, and insecurities. In my laziness I remind myself of the disappointments in lifestyle, livelihood, and achievement. I am building a stockpile of motivation that I know I can do without but for humanistic reasons have convinced myself I need.
I realize I am willing to live with others, for others, and in spite of others. In the past I was living for me, to get mine. This is a subtle shift towards a community that I can't clearly recognize. The others in the first sentence of this paragraph is as dynamic as the weather. I can't clearly identify who is it that I am moving towards, with, or against. There is appreciation for chaos and a mistrust of planning. I am seeing balance everywhere. I am finding meaning in most or at least looking for it. I am preparing for surpluses and harvests that can't be seen in this drought. I am accruing a personal debt that may not be able to be paid off tomorrow, but I am not wasting the goods rendered. I am irresponsibly being devoted to simplicity. I am choosing to spend credit to keep from having to increase my income. I am spending laziness to keep from having to increase my intensity. I am resting because right now life feels like I can.
So this is a demonstration for how I have taken my criticisms and used them to build a rational for explaining my recent laziness. I might even call it excessive rest to give myself a poetic hug.
Learning from the world
Pursuite of happiness
Happy - Ness...the condition of believing one is happy. I had a profound and cathartic conversation with a couple from Idaho over the weekend. We discussed all the things that aren't supposed to be discussed. We talked culture, religion, and failure. We moved from encounter into discovery. I realize how uncertain and undefinable happiness is. We all have our own descriptions, qualifications, and beliefs around happiness. There is not a single objectifiable truth to happiness other than those you and I can agree on.
There is also the beauty in the conditions and states that we won't agree on. I can get caught in the void of meanings, but if I hover around the slippery slope I get a beautiful glimpse of a gradation that gets created in the transition between what we agree and disagree on. It is like a happiness rainbow. Light being the happiness. The clouds representing the frustration and confusion left by pain or whatever might cloud out the sun. The blue skies are representing the clarity and brightness that comes from our shared unobscured exposure to sun. So when we accept that believing what happiness is can change like the weather, then it makes it easier for me to appreciate the liminal space created when the clouds roll in or out and the sun begins to reveal the spectrum of truths that we all see with unique intensities. What a versatile metaphor! I wish for you constant rays of sunshine, but if there are clouds in your sky, please believe that the light and warmth is working hard to change the weather so that it can reunite with you, once again revealing that special gradation of truths.
There is also the beauty in the conditions and states that we won't agree on. I can get caught in the void of meanings, but if I hover around the slippery slope I get a beautiful glimpse of a gradation that gets created in the transition between what we agree and disagree on. It is like a happiness rainbow. Light being the happiness. The clouds representing the frustration and confusion left by pain or whatever might cloud out the sun. The blue skies are representing the clarity and brightness that comes from our shared unobscured exposure to sun. So when we accept that believing what happiness is can change like the weather, then it makes it easier for me to appreciate the liminal space created when the clouds roll in or out and the sun begins to reveal the spectrum of truths that we all see with unique intensities. What a versatile metaphor! I wish for you constant rays of sunshine, but if there are clouds in your sky, please believe that the light and warmth is working hard to change the weather so that it can reunite with you, once again revealing that special gradation of truths.
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