Catalina is the catalyst that broke down the barriers and boundaries creating the necessary motivation and energy to harness my critic in this new found healing way. I feel confident is saying that I will not do everything correctly but I will be correctively approaching everything I do. So as I have recently encountered progress in my abilities to love, the critic in me has also identified opportunities for improvement. In recent relationships after my marriage I have been trustworthy, honest, and committed, typically these are common sense. But being trustworthy, honest, and committed is entirely different from being trusted, believed, and accepted.
I foolishly admit these are new qualities I have tasted. They are qualities I have barely adopted and my inexperience with them or my previous functioning without them, my infidelity, has created self doubt and worse doubt from my new partners. I guess it's fear that I might not know how to use them or that once broken always broken. These are refinements that took losing my best friend to realize how important they are. These are foundational components that to many seem simple and common sense but to the insecure and damage boy I evolved to be they were hard to adopt because it means being selfless and accountable. It is a work in progress for me and it difficult being stereotyped for my past delinquency but my critic is harsh but fair. My critic is a highly functioning and dignified quality that will not hesitate to judge. I am proud of my growth towards being seen as trustworthy and I am not discouraged by the doubt. Doubt has become a good calibrator for determining if the mistrust is mine or being projected. I trust my critic will help me recognize the complicated sifting of doubt, helping me determine what is mine to own. I trust me for the first time in a lifetime.
I have not replaced my critic. My critic is the same critic that would prepare me for set of squats by calling me the worst vulgar terms I could think of. The difference is that I have taken the void of Catalina and reminded myself of what didn't work. I have gone back and asked her what didn't work. In a way I feel like I have been able to understand how she wanted to be loved. This is the beauty and adaptability I am seeing from my critic. It is willing to adapt. It is willing to hear from those it hurts how it can become better. Like the pearl it wraps threatening qualities in a way that becomes polished and forgiving appendages.
My critic can still be devastating and intolerant, but it is adapting and improving, leaving behind pearls of wisdom. Catalina Sanchez gave me such a phenomenal benchmark for how to love and my shortcomings for how not to love have helped me recognize where to improve. It proves to me that my critic is a high performing engine that can adopt contemporary enhancements. The learner in me has helped my critic improve so it has better exhaust, smoother ride, and a subtler feedback system.
Dedicated to a close friend, former lover, and partner in parenting, I love you in a unique and sisterly way Catalina Patricia Sanchez. I owe my manhood to you and your endured disappointment with me hopefully will not be in vein.
