There are paradoxes in who I am. In regards to my critic, I am
willing to be confrontational in ways that are constructive and
destructive, mostly both, but the results are perceived subjectively. I
have a knack for identifying paradox,
maybe it is more modestly a knack for looking for paradox. I have a
desire to find hypocrisy, which is really paradox marked and
misunderstood, especially within myself.
Hypocrisy
seems to be a consequence of judgment. The blessing I find in hypocrisy
seems to be the markers or indicators of paradox, analogous to finding
run off patterns on Mars, here I can start searching for paradox. When I
come to find hypocrisy, it reveals my judgmental quality. Life is
fluid and cannot be narrowed into snapshots, leading me to believe that
judging for the sake of socializing is toxic. Judging for the sake of
survival is necessary. Judging for the sake of wellness is desirable.
When judging, I use snapshots or select moments to come to conclusions,
versus having compassion for the complex fluidity of life.
Their
is foolishness in selecting, isolating, and highlighting particular
blemished events. Choosing motivates me to ignore the collection of
life's memories that effect emotions and behaviors. Each moment
experienced has an investment in our future actions. In judgement, it
is hard to be both critical and compassionate because I need the
dualistic objectivity to decipher a choice. Hypocrisy and contradiction
has been necessary to my growth. I would not have been able to see the
plank in my eye, without first recognizing the splinter in my
neighbors. The hypocrite in me has been a blessing in embracing my
shadow.
So reflecting on how
others judge me or give me feedback is helping me adjust my critical
thoughts. This helps me mark situations and circumstances that create
judgmental patterns I can change. These changes are helping me to
connect and create bonds between what I see as hypocritical and my own
contradictions. This is where I dig, I turn over, and I probably over
think, but I could do worse, I could be ignoring it. I am forgiving of
what I cannot discover and appreciative of the beauty I am finding when
most of the time I am expecting to see spoilage. I am seeing that I am
have become a better man. I am seeing that I am doing the work. In my
search for broken pieces I am finding healing, fused, and stronger
parts. I am allowing my own judgmental quality to exist with less shame
and better utility.
I see how I
cross boundaries when being judgmental. Boundaries are important
indicators of congruence, like criticisms are indicators of hypocrisy.
My critic does not have a good sensor for recognizing boundaries nor the
consequences that come with crossing them. There is a benefit to my
critic to cross boundaries that are oppressive or unjust, but I cannot
to have this same attitude with all boundaries, especially those that
people put up to protect themselves. I also see how I am cataloging and
collecting better understandings of boundaries. This is helping with
communicating my judgments. I want to learn to be judgmental in a
cathartic way, hopefully eliminating the need to identify hypocrisy or
contradiction in favor of tolerance and furthermore acceptance.
I
can be momentarily contradictory and hypocritical. These moments are
reasonably understandable using compassion, again holding them in the
perspective that life is fluid. I am not capable of being mistake
free.
I see being contradictory
as a natural quality of being alive. I am not capable of being
constantly pure. Accepting my imperfection has been revolutionary in my
recent willingness to love self. I never saw myself coming to point in
life where I could be writing openly to the world that I am trying to
discover how to love myself. I would not have had the courage to trust
that my uncles, cousins, and other men in my life would allow me this
gentleness. The contradiction of being gently strong has never been in
my nature. The idea of being a loving warrior, is a beautiful
hypocrisy, most cherished contradiction.
I
have striven for perfection and its been futile. I have put perfection
in the crosshairs only to find myself realizing I don't even know what
perfection looks like. When I am contradictory I am usually protecting
myself, marking a point of vulnerability. There is something shameful
about being wrong. There is something convenient about creating a
contradiction to remedy being wrong. I have fears that cause me to
protect my delicate ego from being hurt by being wrong. This is where
power and control have come into play. When I am wrong I feel a loss of
power and control. Acknowledging this is a release. I find myself not
knowing what to do now that I realize I need be comfortable with being
incorrect or even corrected. I find myself overwhelmed with fear of
being wrong, a fear of inadequacy.
