Molding a Soul
You invited me into ideas that I have embraced. Ideas that now seem simple, kind, gentle, and curious. You have taught me how to look and see how I am lovable. It seems silly but much of my arrogance, selfishness, and defenses I believe were created to hide the feelings of inadequacy.
You have taught me to believe that I am worth understanding when misunderstood. You have masterfully helped me see that I am not always communicating what I am trying to say. This is helping me see that there are softer words that are better heard by those I love. You have guided me into my projections. You have pointed to the light when all I expected was darkness. You have watched me like a life guard splash in my pity, reminding me there is a way to swim or to stand up because I am in shallow waters. When I have become angry you open your eyes curiously and focus in on mine then ask me to not be scared to be sad, but without words. You remind me to consider that signs and omens point to my soul, when I so badly wish to interpret them in selfish ways. The focus on healing me, helps me to see how impatient or eager I am to be loved by others. I am nervously believing that the work to be done is mine. I say nervously because there is much of me that never felt lovable or maybe acceptable.
Mostly I have realized that I am learning to love by loving me. I am more patient because I have become curious to finding ways to accept me. This spills over into accepting others. I still have my temper but I have started to see the needs that flare it up. I have anger but can now reflect and find the sadness. I still escape and fear rejection. I have not fully dealt with the fear of loss or being left. I am still trying to understand how to accept the loss of love. I still don't do well with good bye.
I cry now when I used to vent and write. I am losing my competitive nature and gaining a contemplative nurture. I am gaining tenacity and strengthening my foundation. I watch a TV show instead of adding an extra workout. I am still vulnerable, and maybe even more vulnerable. I am no longer needing to pretend to be a bad ass. I am no longer needing to feel powerful. I have accepted that I am less in control than I have ever been. I feel raw, foolish, and like an outcast. You taught me about animal spirits, and I can see that I am a pit bull. The belief systems I use are still a bit reckless but when the temperament is harmonious I am effective. I am still an angry young boy at times. I still use vulgarity, but understand it as an expression more than a language. I am pronouncing my availability to be great.
I still rummage through sadness, but it feels more like a mist than the slop it once did. I am realizing my sadness is like a big fluffy cumulus cloud, that looks more intimidating from a distance. As I progress through it, I can see that it is manageable.
I find myself on a new path. My past is still in view and I am still wanting some habits, but I hear your voice telling me I am ready to step into my greatness.
