Just a progression from a collection of yesterdays. Resolutions are like promises, you can only keep the ones you've already kept or in the middle of right now, most are egotistical. Fuck that! Lifestyle is the truest evidence of resolution. Commerce sucks on the desires and aspirations that I have fell short on for the previous 365 days. Like vampires, using a scheme called New Year's to promote change, to deceive or maybe motivate a defeated psyche into believe my money can buy commitment, tenacity, determination, consistency, community, or love. Nah it's not even like that, if I couldn't do it eight hours ago, a Holiday wont be the panacea. To live my vows is the only resolution I have.
My vow is to investigate love with the kindness it deserves, to forgive when I fail, and to apply my successes fruitfully within and with others, always.
But, staying in true contradiction, I have learned so much from the "Old Year". I learned so much about new fears and revisited those I never seem to overcome. I have learned that my stories I have long created in my head are tragedies, the under dog, or struggles. I have also minimized my talents and gifts. I am openly self critical but hesitate to describe how creative I am. I am quick to take responsibility, but get embarrassed to take credit. I have self confidence, but at the same time my fear of arrogance has me by the cocos. I am still growing. I have slowly opened my mind, heart, and future to accepting the bountiful prosperity that "Hope" grows into.
I have slowly changed my lifestyle for nearly over a decade now. The newly sprouting lifestyle, stretched into a vision of servanthood and vulnerability. Only knowing and using my fighting attitude to do it, I tackled some meaningful puzzles. Over time I have really embraced grief. Grief can be addicting for it's healing qualities. It can also be distracting to celebrating. Being there for others and being honest is not a remedy to conflict. It actually has helped understand that it can draw confrontation. Being honest is vulnerable but at the same time being misunderstood can turn it into a weapon. My lifestyle has tilted away from the benefits of joy. As I feel more settled into who I am, I feel authorized to reintroduce the charisma.
I have slowly changed my lifestyle for nearly over a decade now. The newly sprouting lifestyle, stretched into a vision of servanthood and vulnerability. Only knowing and using my fighting attitude to do it, I tackled some meaningful puzzles. Over time I have really embraced grief. Grief can be addicting for it's healing qualities. It can also be distracting to celebrating. Being there for others and being honest is not a remedy to conflict. It actually has helped understand that it can draw confrontation. Being honest is vulnerable but at the same time being misunderstood can turn it into a weapon. My lifestyle has tilted away from the benefits of joy. As I feel more settled into who I am, I feel authorized to reintroduce the charisma.
This year I confused myself with desiring happiness instead of opening up to joy, even to the point of exhaustion. My gift the yesteryear was the superficial longing for happiness. The hasty expectation for endearment. I found that longing for happiness, caused me to disregard the intent needed to create genuine joy. I discovered how being happy does not lead to having joy. Is there a difference? For me, yes. Happiness is like an orgasim, where joy is the pleasure found in helping your lover through suffering.
This is a gift because it compliments my understanding of grief and anger. In grief sadness leads to anger when neglected. The same goes for celebration and happiness. When I have a desire to celebrate and I neglect pleasure I settle for happiness. But when I investigate my pleasure seeking, I am led to joy. Sadness does not have to be absent in pleasure, but equally joy does not have to disappear in tragedy. If either does then I have lost balance. Everything has beauty and beauty is what leads to acceptance. Happiness seems to be a product of fun, and I have seen fun as an artificial joy. Happy is the sweet-n-low of emotions.
Happiness has speckled my radar, for what I think might be my intanglement with injustice. As part of my education and through unresolved sadness I discovered the burdens of discrimination, misrepresentation, and propaganda. frustration and anger was created in me and it didn't fit with the new lifestyle. Dealing with this anger and judgment has been my latest venture. It brought me down!
I had forgotten about the gift of teamwork. I have realized that even my personal pain might be a shared pain. I spent the last year embracing all the ways I fear, accepting that my anger is really sadness that I can't have the world the way I want it. I spent much of the the last 365 days reminding myself how I am not like that person, wishing I was more like that person, and wondering what they like so much about that person. I am chipping away at each fear. I am realizing I am sad and the sadness is exploited by my efficacy for creating doubt and fear in my constitution. I have a new found appreciation for hope and who I am. The friction between doubt and hope has created fuel, projecting me right into striving. This year was a great reminder that I am just a man, but at the same time with genuineness I can be "the man".
This has been a special transition from a chronological measurement of 2013 to 2014. I thank you for all you did to help me believe in myself and especially for those of you encouraged me to doubt. You woke up my fight. Thank you for all you did to help me put injustice into perspective and understand that I am not alone in my care for others. Thank you for being apart of my team. Grieving can be a joyful process, you helped me discover the paradox between being an advocate and needing restoration.
Wishing you a future year that is heartfelt!
I had forgotten about the gift of teamwork. I have realized that even my personal pain might be a shared pain. I spent the last year embracing all the ways I fear, accepting that my anger is really sadness that I can't have the world the way I want it. I spent much of the the last 365 days reminding myself how I am not like that person, wishing I was more like that person, and wondering what they like so much about that person. I am chipping away at each fear. I am realizing I am sad and the sadness is exploited by my efficacy for creating doubt and fear in my constitution. I have a new found appreciation for hope and who I am. The friction between doubt and hope has created fuel, projecting me right into striving. This year was a great reminder that I am just a man, but at the same time with genuineness I can be "the man".
This has been a special transition from a chronological measurement of 2013 to 2014. I thank you for all you did to help me believe in myself and especially for those of you encouraged me to doubt. You woke up my fight. Thank you for all you did to help me put injustice into perspective and understand that I am not alone in my care for others. Thank you for being apart of my team. Grieving can be a joyful process, you helped me discover the paradox between being an advocate and needing restoration.
Wishing you a future year that is heartfelt!
