My sister recently moved to Sweden and I didn't embrace the reality that my love, my life, and my blood is so far away. I avoided her for the week she was preparing to leave, not intentionally but for a complex mix of reasons, none reasonable enough to overcome my regret I have for not being with my nephew and sister more . My own fatigue with life kept me from reaching out to my sis. I don't think I had the strength or courage to see her go. I have been able to use the New Year energy to tap into the grief and joy. The reflective period has allowed me to collect my thoughts and emotions around the transition my sister is encountering. Like as if in turn, my longing for my sister has brought me here to this joy and sorrow around witnessing her grow into a woman.
I have not been as close to her as I would like to have been. When she was younger I was too busy with peers, and we have not closed the gap since. We are 12 years apart, but I treated her as best I could. I gave purity when I could. When I couldn't I gave her potent genuineness. When I failed her I gave her my shadow. She has seen me at my worst and has grown to be courageous enough to call me on my shit. We are not tight but we are not loosened either, we are just snug enough.
I can't ignore how I have failed her by releasing my harsh critic and callous tyrant. I feel like this has tarnished the quality of our love. I have always judged her. I have always expected the most from her. I have always punished her for her own shortcomings. I have yelled at her. I have flared up and intimidated her. I have crushed her spirit. I have called her names. I have invalidated her opinions. I have belittled her courage. I have ruined her perspective with toxic defenses. Despite my abuse and destructiveness she appears to have always forgiven me. I own this now that she is distant.
I admire that I've seen her struggle with emotions, relationships, and other life tangles. She has scared me, frustrated me, and annoyed me. Through all this, I loved her as deep as I have ever been able to love anyone. I have felt like she has needed me for so long that this new woman she has become leaves me with a void. I have held close and taken responsibility that might not have been mine to own. I have defended her against things that might not have needed defending. I have been stingy with her. I have been jealous of her dependence on other besides me. She doesn't need me like she used to, and my ego is learning that it is likely that she didn't need me as much as I wanted to think she did. She is learning to guide herself and maybe she always has, its just now she becoming an expert.
This independence is irritating to my ego. This is hurtful to the part of me that thrives on helping others. My ego says, "How dare she learn to turn her back on me". This egotistical perspective is real in me and is wounding to my self image. I see her growing and how can this be hurtful, it shouldn't be hurtful. It is and that is okay. I am losing a responsibility and this deserves grief. I have invested in her. To see her blogging, expressing her love for God openly, and traveling across the world to support her family is a joyous set of circumstances. It is a beautiful reminder of her growth. The shadow in me wants her back here dependent on me. The spirit in me has compassion for my ego and realized I must grieve the transition from "Bra Bra" to "Brother". The first being the name she called me as a little girl, the later being how I will need to adjust to being called.
I am not stuck in my ego. My ego is a small part of my paradoxical self. I am a contradiction. I am a walking contradiction. I am a battle between my ego and my spirit. This morning I have been able to encounter the longing I have for my sister. Today I am joyful in the direction she is moving and the womanhood she is developing. I am proud of her strength and fortitude being demonstrated not because of me but without me. She is a beautiful person. She is a soft soul with loud heart. She is a woman now.
