Joy of punishment

I don't remember writing about joy.  I have so much joy in my life but never write about it.  I have so many joyful people in my life but I never write about that.  I have so much that I keep from this blog that it is unbalanced.  I often wonder why I feel so misunderstood.  I don't really understand or demonstrate myself accurately...with balance.  I am a joyful person too and I can't tell from reading this blog.  I talk of love, but it is a sad love.  I have a joyful love.

I think as part of my own punishment for my part in destroying a marriage, I worked really hard to forgive that part of me.  Oddly it just turned into hating that part of me.  A big part me that was joyful died with "Ronnie".  I kept my humor, I regained my romance, but up until now I refused to let myself feel joyful.  It is unfortunate that during my forgiveness synthesis I forgot to include joy.

Maybe I didn't forget the joy, I might have just completed the process now.  I think of all the music I have chosen, I think of all the failures I have had with loved ones, I think of all the pity I have collected, and I think of how many more serious talks I have had than fun ones.  This has helped me realize that I don't write about the joy in my life.  I will start with the joy I get from seeing those near me happy.  That is the greatest joy, and now it won't be forgotten.

Forgiveness isn't really forgiveness until joy fills the void left from the pain.  I am joyful how life has evolved after the end of my marriage.  I am joyful about the father I have worked to become.  I am joyful for the friendships cultivated, created, and released.  I am joyful for the comfort of my family.  I am joyful for the hospitality of society.  More to come about joy.  More to come about what makes me smile