What first comes to mind is my self perception. Even after 37 years of life, 34 years of memories, and 20 years out of high school I still judge myself. I wake in the morning and recognize that my eyes are a little more tired looking. My body takes a lot longer to warm up when I work out. My joints are more stubborn than I remember them being. But my mind laughs. My mind says "you can still hang brother". If I stop now, it will only get harder later. I rest more and push myself less but I live the same. I am borrowing from laziness to pay off the debts I have accrued with anger and discipline. I am cashing in on some pleasurable comfort, knowing I am going to pay intensity back with interest. I am not wasting my lazy time though. I get enough done, but this allows me to feed my dreams, fears, and insecurities. In my laziness I remind myself of the disappointments in lifestyle, livelihood, and achievement. I am building a stockpile of motivation that I know I can do without but for humanistic reasons have convinced myself I need.
I realize I am willing to live with others, for others, and in spite of others. In the past I was living for me, to get mine. This is a subtle shift towards a community that I can't clearly recognize. The others in the first sentence of this paragraph is as dynamic as the weather. I can't clearly identify who is it that I am moving towards, with, or against. There is appreciation for chaos and a mistrust of planning. I am seeing balance everywhere. I am finding meaning in most or at least looking for it. I am preparing for surpluses and harvests that can't be seen in this drought. I am accruing a personal debt that may not be able to be paid off tomorrow, but I am not wasting the goods rendered. I am irresponsibly being devoted to simplicity. I am choosing to spend credit to keep from having to increase my income. I am spending laziness to keep from having to increase my intensity. I am resting because right now life feels like I can.
So this is a demonstration for how I have taken my criticisms and used them to build a rational for explaining my recent laziness. I might even call it excessive rest to give myself a poetic hug.
Learning from the world
