Adios Ano Pasado

2012 is ending.  Good bye to another year, farewell to an organized collection of sunsets and morning dews.  Good bye to a filing cabinet of structured periods of time that fit nicely into a concept called weeks.  Good bye to this rotation around the sun that held many of my own tiny orbits around topics, people, and places.  Good bye to a series of "getting it wrongs"and strung together "you should of done betters".  Fuck you to the sun burns along the way that prove too much of a good thing can be damaging.  Good bye 2012 I'll cherish you. 

This year I said hello to my Shadows.  Greetings pity, I am sorry to disturb you under my bed, I rarely look there.  Let's dust you off and frame you to honor the struggles you've helped me accept.  Thank you cynicism for going on a diet and loosing the flat tire around the waist of suffering, suffocating your ability to help me breathe life into possibility.  I think the new disgruntled you looks good in well thought out perceptions.  Hello grey hair, I see I've earned the right to introduce you to my narcissism.  Shadow it has been nice getting to know you.  You are as discouraging as I imagined, and it has been rewarding embracing you.  You've always demonstrated and whined about how your always misunderstood, you have my attention.  Well for what its worth, I couldn't face my fears without you.  I think I like what you can bring to the table, like wasabi, that stimulating briskness that awakens the senses.  You make my grind so much more informative these days.  Thank you for helping me discover ways of seeing your dignity, you are the greatest asset to the maturation of my love.  2012 brought my shadow into the light.

2012 you give me momentum to launch into 2013.  Endurance get on board this segway to the New Year, you did me well.  Injustice you are not welcome but I've been told you must come with us.  I believe you are truly and always misunderstood, maybe societies shadow.  I will defend your right to exist even if you continue to misuse the weapons of deceit and pride.  No good byes to suffering, I need you to keep me real.  No tears for 2012, I cried them on time this year.  No cheers for time gone, remembering you slows me down.  Appreciation for lessons recognized through arrogance's mistakes and mercy's fight.  To a 38th chance at orbiting the sun.  This year may love find me without collisions, and may it shine on the lady who has struggled to not give up on understanding me.  May peace be upon me and let it be an epidemic.

With words of care for myself and you.  I am who I'm being,  I was who I thought I should be, and I will never get a chance to be who I could have been.  I am adjusting.

This year I fell in love.  I don't have permission to describe it but this is my way of yelling it from a rooftop, this is my way of telling the world how wonderful it is to be in love.  The only caveiate is that it's been a rough and tiring love.  It's been a love that her friends and family can't understand, and sometimes I can't either.  But I stay up late at night wondering, hoping, and praying for ways to make it fit.  I can't describe the opportunities I have squandered.  There are too many events to demonstrate how we don't fit.  We've called ourselves incompatible.  We've been told we should move on more times then we've been told we're happy for you.  I've been selfish and arrogant enough to be told "I don't know why I keep getting back with you".  I've cried tears that fall heavy on journal pages leaving bookmarks of pain.  Her name is Stephanie and she freezes me with her eyes, she melts me with her life stories, and ignites my body with hers.  But I just didn't have what it took to fit.  I just couldn't get it right or correct what I got wrong.  This year ends with hope that she might read this and feel inspired to say hello in ways we once were good at and learn together how to never say good bye again.  But love is one of those feelings that I will gladly fall for despite the pain when it ends.  Our love has shined brightly in brief or scattered moments that struggled through a thickening layer of clouds representing misunderstood love message.  I might be the only fool who loves so paradoxically that getting it wrong feels so good too.  I'm curiously stubborn to see what our love will look like when we get it right.


Dedicated to Stephanie, the woman who dances around my heart with a mirror.