What is this indifference

I am extremely surprised by my resounding indifference. I am in a state where my emotions are just right. I am scared with the balance. I think it might be from a life time of feeling the need to act. I am receiving.

Two major thoughts that keep coming into my mind are the lifestyle and forgiveness. I am surprised at how when I think of these two I am pleased with my life experiences because I am excited about the type of lifestyle I have. I am far from embarrassed by who I am and what my family is. I am far from wounded to the point of threatened. The grace of circumstance, my resilience, my neighbors generosity, luck surfacing during my stupidity, trust in me, and forgiveness to and fro have led me to this space of gratitude. I am fully lazy with overwhelming energy to contribute to a well thought out risk.

I am comfortably angry. I see the stupidity in Aryan ideals because I recognize them in my Chicano pride. I see the misunderstanding of socialism in the lucrativeness of power. I see the weakness of the individual in the shortcomings of the community. I hear a resounding "Mexicans take jobs from Americans", and I look at the University and see how they are hiring so many from out of state. Outsiders are taking our jobs along with Mexicans, the legal immigrant is just as threatening. I am inspired by this anger but subtly, with comfort.

I am just sad for the system. I think I am seeing how sad and restless an immigrant people must be before feeling united. When I speak of immigrant people, I speak of the the generations of Americans who have benefited from the opportunity created here in this northern part of the western hemisphere. I recognize the selfishness of the root growing process. I see how the planted sapling is upturning boulders, obstructing sun rays, and rerouting streams. The rooting process is environment changing. Is this bad, unjust, or necessary? We will see.

For today I am growing my own roots hoping they find collaborative paths.