Selfish

Selfishness has served its purpose in my life, enduring to this day. It is said by some that selfishness can be healthy. I don't know how to gauge or measure my levels of selfishness. I am finding it hard to know how my selfishness is received by others. As long as my selfishness is serving me I rarely take into consideration how it is effecting others. How can I better listen for evidence or symptoms of unhealthy selfishness? 

I think the only assessment tools that I have to work with right now are my emotions. Right now I can only sit with my guilt, regrets, and confusion. There is a grip (a lot) of meaningful emotions in these. I also bring my hopes into my consciousness. My hopes put strain on my internal critic. My critic has no tolerance for hope, and it sort of creates a lactic acid to keep me from remaining to long in hope. After the fatigue of reality sets in, I am sore with discouragement. I think the economy linked to emotions is revealing how exploitative I am. Emotional economy, a concept in my mind where I broker the supply and demand of spiritual aspects of them for spiritual aspects of me.

In working through selfishness I recognize how reckless being selfish has allowed me to be. I have recently felt responsible for only my emotions, but in this moment I am softening to the idea that I am accountable to how I contribute to other's emotions. I think I am beginning to realize that desire also creeps in looking a lot like hope. I think I can watch for how people I admire value selfishness, and fake it until I make it.