Spiritually Barren

I have tried to capture so much of myself in this blog. I have learned to write and think clearer. I have tried to heal my wounds as a divorcee, a lonely man, a confused son, and disabled companion. I find myself in space I have never known.

 I might describe it as living in the void. I don't desire much, I don't long for much, I don't grieve much, and I still cannot seem to surface magnificence. I think lethargic might be the best adjective. I feel lost but with no where to be. I feel abandoned with no one to blame. I feel ignored with many people ready to listen to me. I feel asked to be great with a blanket of laziness resting heavily over my lower legs. I feel aimlessly hopeful.

I come across a smiling face and wish I was there.  I can smile today, but it is a conscious smile.  My smiles are thrown out with obligation.  My smiles are worn with fatigue, knowing a smile is the best mask to wear.  I receive random calls and messages that remind me that angels speak through the mouths of those I love.  I am hearing messages that are instructions to keep the faith, be patient, and conquer my fear of admiration.  I am not common, and yet I am not rare, this is the scary space that I worry in.

The only ingredient that I am proud of is my vulnerability.  I am vulnerable.  I am near honest.  I am gripping transparency.  I am not crying anymore.  I am turning the volume down on my senses, colors aren't as vibrant, music isn't moving my feet, and sugar is giving me the nervous shakes.  Is life without ego stale?  Patiently waiting for love to fill in the blanks.