I finished my first class for fun. Like nacho libre, sometimes Chancho, when you are a man you take graduate courses with other stretchy minds, for fun. I finished my first semester of course work dedicated to enriching my mind versus my profitability.
It was just as stressful as in graduate school, and I often found myself wondering why the fuck I do this shit. Why, fatherhood, two jobs, and school what was I thinking. Like those self created Crossfit workouts that through the middle I have my throat burning, lower back aching, and physical therapists eagerly waiting. Then the light shines through a crease. I love seeing the light. I live for learning.
So what has this layer of life left me with. What mark is life leaving on my forehead?
I'll start with the soppy poetic shit first.
I see love where hate thrives. I see blossoms of admiration in fields of envy. I see sadness when vengeance torques. I see potential where pools of laziness smolder. I see hope, maybe lost, maybe tossed as prayer, along the glistening tracks of tears.
I have shaped my sadness that once took the shape of anger. It once looked hardened, and now I've learned it is malleable.
I have harnessed my passion that once scattered like rage. It has me powering through in symbiotic directions.
I rerouted my doubt that once fueled my cynicism. I look gracefully on progress and the "no-rep", especially because I'm still breathing. This means simply that I haven't died yet. I am turning I can't into i'll get there.
What I have observed, through my late onset of adolescence, is accepted pity, self-deprecation, and toxic humility have been hard habits to undo. I look at my cultures similarly and recognize the same paradoxical qualities. I look at myself not as of a culture but as culture. I seek out the economy, injustice, balance, and the tangential effects that cause peoples to "be".
I don't have time to prove anymore. It feels a lot like my remaining life might be to play the instrument I have built myself to be. I feel like my life will be to contribute where as before it had been to contrive. I'm not resigning my ability to change or grow. I have a responsibility to make learning part of my contribution, my song, a melody.
I get to learn now and I feel different, I feel like an adult. I am rooting myself in G R A V I T A S.