I'm with those

I'm with those that are softly gazing at something hard to see.  I am with those who realize being lost is where I am supposed to be.  I am with those who share themselves just enough to help others identify the things that they hate about people who share too much.  I am with those who fight against judgment by judging those who are guilty and wrong.  I am with those who have a home that keeps moving.  I'm with those who can't login to peace because my username is encrypted and so is the password I was told to confirm.

I'm with those who hold a culture tightly while it is disintegrating.  I am with those who angrily reject the status quo by following the footsteps of dead rebels down identical paths of no change. I am with those who meditate with paradoxes only to be disarmed and dismembered during spiritual warfare.   I am with those who can't chose a culture that completely captures my complexity.

I'm with those who take pictures of meaningless things because so many people won't pay attention to meaningful things.  I live among those who watch television about reality only to find themselves ignoring the truth. I am with those who find alternative economies for hoarding the same currency.  I walk with those who carry a lifeline to everyone they love but only text "xo".  I left behind a book of faces who liked me and I linked out and found communities to reach out, but they are few and far between.

I'm with those who have left home, went to school, but only to learn enough not to fit in anymore after coming back.  I am with those who "made it out" but not far enough to make it in.  I climbed the ladder only to realize it was against the wrong wall.  I am with those who found the clothes to wear but not the attitude to go in them.  I'm with those who were told to leave this place and never come back, with puzzlement and surprise, I was in my own home.  I am with those who visit places because of a chance invitation, only to realize I signed a lease with intent.

I'm with those who made a good run only to find myself off the beaten path.  I tied the knot only to later find it was on a shoe I wasn't wearing.  I'm with those who were asked to do it yourself but with instructions in a foreign language.  I'm with those who long for what they have always wanted until I finally get it.  I find myself alone in a city full of people I know.

I'm from a community that has a landmark for people who no longer can afford it.  I walk my dogs, a far evolution from running from strays.  I am with those who aren't Mexicano, but don't know how they came up with Hispano, more likely trying to be Chicano...all in all not trying to be defined at all though.  I live in a country built by immigrants, maintained by illegals, and now exporting most work to cheaper races.  I live in a country that has a war on drugs but a secret love affair with the enemy.  I eat home cooking from a restaurant owned by a guy from New York.

But these same people remind me that my cynicism isn't shameful at all.  I am with those who polish broken hearts knowing broken is perception.  I'm those who feel everything belongs because if it didn't then why would it happen.  I am with those who take hate and hold it until it calms down and says thanks for understanding.  I am with those who can use discomfort and gratitude in the same sentence.  I am with those who drink until they are drunk hoping the courage to say intoxicating things won't be misunderstood.  I am with those who forgive because it isn't deserved but inconveniently necessary for keeping the spirit free.  I am grateful for my failures, surprised by how I am valued, and beginning to be told how special I have become.  I am finally turning my love inward, after all these attempts to display it.

- Ron Estrada

Happy Thank You Day!

A day for Day!

There are heros like Pat Tillman, and then there are unbelievables like Dorthy Day.

Calamity can be a gift

Pat, 

I'll never measure up to the impact you made.  I will never set the records you've set.  I will never have my principles tested the way yours were.  I have yet to love as genuinely as your wife describes.  I am so far away from being the man you are perceived to be.  That is why you are a remembered and cherished example of mine.

I will look ahead at the impact I can make, ignoring how little distance I've covered, and keeping in peripheral the distance I have to close.  I will ignore the records I cross, keeping my passion before glory.  I will forgive myself for the principles I cannot fulfill, knowing if I am breathing I have another chance.  I will continue to learn to love, despite discouraging circumstances.  I will not compare myself to you, but will attend to the gaps between you and me.  I will do my best to be cherished and remembered by most, hoping to leave many more regarded memories than bitter ones.

It baffles me where the fight took you, reminding me that mindful is not control.  It hurts to have to believe in wellness without you.  I never met you and cannot fully believe in you for it, but what people say about you is your legacy.  It reminds me to always measure myself by the continuum between how I see myself and how those who never met me might.  

RIP 

I am not important

And neither are my struggles.  An uncle used to always say we aren't here for a long time, but here for a good time.  Puro good times.  Suffering was a perception, lately it feels more like a choice.  Here is a little voyage you can take to see the vastness and maybe a declarative on evolution, divinity, spirit, and cosmos.  Click the link below...you must have flash.

I am not as important as I wish I was

Not Fast, Fluid

His name will remain undisclosed but his impact on my life will be hard to recognize because it seeps into most aspects of my success. I am writing about a person who I am scared to lose.  I am scared because he is going to one of the most dangerous places in the world for an American soldier.  I am a borderline pacifist, but he is my reminder that the revolutionary culture is rarely entirely peaceful.  Revolution is still part of the American culture.  He isn't the strongest man, the smartest man, the bravest man, nor the most honorable man, but he believes that he is heading that direction.  What stands out is what he won't do, and that is refuse to be pitied.  This has helped him become a green beret.  This has prepared him to interact, immerse, and fight for a people who he cannot trust but has to.  

I have a dream that his warrior experiences will bring home a wisdom I was too much of a coward to experience myself.  Being a soldier was a fantasy that my cousins and I always chased.  I have a subtle regret that stains my soul.  It may be the remains of a past life or the bottled potential of a future one.  I cannot shake it, like I cannot shake my respect for him.  I am not going to dwell on the idea of his danger.  I will focus on the hope for future experiences.  I am fighting a war here with myself and it seems selfish to want him to be safe.  It is painful to have jealousy and disappointment that I cannot be there with him.  Since our adolescence we have fought most our battles apart, after having each others back throughout young adulthood.

 I sit and think about what we have grown from.  Two arrogant boys, dreaming of the big leagues, small town values, big city desires, and tattered souls.  We taught each other how be men.  I've told him shit he hates hearing.  I have told him shit he appreciates.  I have shared with him my tears.  He has yet to let down his mental guard to show me his heart.  It makes me feel like a sissy most times, but I know he can be where he is going because he can guard his heart.  We are very similar in our insecurities and we are similar in our hate for losing.  We have lost too many times in life and in sport.  It never gets easy to do.  Our community is an underdog breeding ground.  We have an appetite for pain.

I will never be able to understand the pain he carries.  He has yet to let me know about the pain he holds.  I his journey has led him to be a great warrior.  He grew up not the smartest, not the fastest, not the strongest, or not the most principled, but he leaves to fight for his country smarter, fluid, durable, and committed.  We may never be measurable to the greatest of men, but he walks the paths that many great men have taken.  To my brother God blessed me with at my worst.  Do nothing fast, and everything fluid!

Shine bright like a Diamond

Contradiction is learning...

Standardization tells me the path to normal...I am not standard I am learning.



Suli Breaks is a good example of what productive critical thought can create.  He looks for contradiction knowing truth is only momentous, never absolute, and always changing.  He also has fun with learning, it might make him a walking contradiction.

Bringing the Analytic to the Analytics