I learned in my late 20's that race was a construct and not a biological marker. This expanded my perplexed attitude towards my perception of dominant cultures and my own identifications. I have to admit that it created a disappointment in me that inspired many life changing principles. A hatred for my own contributions to the systematic bigotries. The changes were disorienting. I had new information that highlighted how I didn't belong to a race, how I have privilege despite having embraced a victim's mentality for so long, and how I learned how tainted my origin story is.
I was socially indoctrinated to function believing that somehow I was socially ordered into an ethnic layer tied to the color of my skin. And I had around 3 unspoken layers beneath me, a few complex layers around me and one championship layer above me. And this system of layers was more about human capital than it was ever about superiority. I now find it impossible to participate in life the same way knowing these layers are dysfunctional.
Today it seems like the world is coming to these same realization or maybe resistance to seeing it change. Seems like these layers are being stirred by the complexities of our nations shortcuts, abuses, rule breaking, rule bending, and for sure rule escaping. The Black Lives Matter movement, the Boogaloo movement, the Federalist Society, ANTIFA, Blue Lives Matter and the QAnon folks are all adjusting to the lower layers being informed and the new voices demanding participation where their views historically could be ignored when rule making. We may not have equality but that is not suppressing assertion.
I am as aware as ever of the emotions I still have when thinking about where I land in the eyes of my fellow citizens. I find it challenging and hard to know that I have this information and the systems or eco-systems I live in are still functioning on the legacy caste like mentalities. I find the pain that creates anger in me isn't as overwhelming. I can still feel the injustice while also celebrating the change. I still feel discriminated and I smile when I can't recognize if it is bigotry or because of me .
At times I think some dominant cultures conceal their bigotry far easier now that we have a more ambiguous linguistics for prejudice. I see the opportunities where I might have written off barriers to entry as racist, where earlier in my life I would have felt it wasn't my shortcomings but theirs. I now take more responsibility for making it harder for the systems to exclude me, sometimes by assertion, more often by trusting the process, and when I fall short I let it motivate me to find a different route. The system is going to make space, but not until I let it know I want it to make room.
I am not as surprised or devastated when the Anglo world sees me through fear oriented lenses. I accept the sadness that my culture has such delinquent parts. I still get frustrated with how it seems at times I am catching up to all the other layers of people, whether it be in knowledge, lifestyle, or effectiveness. I am grieving the ways I am not sufficient and can't close the gaps. I seem to be between layers. And I am grateful for the anger and tension because it might mean I am not the only one who has to begin the process of revisiting this looming concept called Race and how it has antagonized the darkest parts of our character.
I am proud of my Chicano heritage, my Spanish origins, Mexican adaptation, and New Mexican simplicity. I am a complicated member of a brave experiment that at times didn't want to include me, found a way to, and is now providing a way to contribute that is safer than other peoples around the world can. I will slowly eliminate my regard for race or speak to the invalidity of Race as a human trait. I will continue to let it draw out emotions working to orient them in way that helps me be more Christ-like and a spreader of dignity
. All of this while hoping that I might create safety that rarely creates danger for the other layers.