You can't weave the wind, breeze, breathe, or mist! That's the
analogy that comes to mind as I tried to write weaving the lover,
similarly to weaving the critic. I can't grasp love, only harness it.
In my look into facades I reached frustration trying to describe myself
as a lover. It even has become irritating, silly, maybe exhausting to
think so hard about all this crap. I find myself even feeling
ridiculous about sharing and romanticizing about this idea of lover. I
was rejected, jealous, and lonely when I started reflecting on
behaviors, and these energies created what seems to be a somber and
deflated spirit. Since then another defense or maybe callous has
developed. The critic in me says sarcastically in my ear, "bueno Romeo
and Juliet, wearing your poet pants, take off your underroos and grow a
pair ". It seems pitiful and pretentious, so I'm putting aside
identifying a facade called lover.
I
can't wrap my thoughts around a concrete or nicely organized lover
concept. I am waking up to reality, smelling the coffee. I don't have a
lover facade that I can conveniently label. I'm partially stuck with
realizing I have some boyish tendencies, often reflected as actions or
attempts to be seen as a loving man. Like if using a veil called lover
will camouflage the insecurities of not knowing how to love. Its
sobering to know that I still can act like a boy who is tossed around
and drug by the hair when times get chaotic, lonely, illusive, slippery,
and desperate. The last part of me that feels like a boy is the part
of me that does not understand the power or utility of love, maybe only
the value.
There are two parts to
understanding how love functions in me. The first is the interpersonal
and the second is the intrapersonal. These two functioning love
processing parts share uniquely several qualities, some are kindness,
romance, dedication, commitment, and desire. I do not have a lover, but
I do love. Love is an expression more than an identity, and it can be
intrinsic or extrinsic. I see love as being reciprocal, the most
difficult of all loves. Love is most importantly applied outwardly and
inwardly by me. Yet It is still uncontained. No sense in ever trying
to weave a concept of a lover. I love saying this. I love accepting
that the part of me that loves and can be loved is unpredictable,
versatile, and unknown.
Love in
me is found in so many ideals and shortcomings, and spans identities. I
am a passionate advocate inspired by an erotic servant. Love flows in,
through, and around my so called facades. Love can move from selfless
action to fantasy. Love disappears and leaves me with an addicted self.
Love is the part of me that has been selective, stable, jealous, and
scared. When love hides in me it has left me vulnerable to being
hurtful, nasty, careless, vulgar, and shameful. Love helps me endured,
emote, long, wait, and grieve. Love causes me to inspire, motivate,
cherish, excite, and celebrate. Love brings out the best expression of
me, the healthiest me, and the most unknown part of me.
I
was not prepared for the idea that learning about love would bring so
much perspective to my cynicism. The released cynicism has opened my
eyes to my narcissism. Love has allowed me to fear in new ways. Love
is not a part of me, its a resource, like water, it flows through me. I
dont have a single part of me that uses love, probably explaining why I
can't define a lover. I have learned that every aspect of my being is
effected by harnessing love or ignoring it. My attitude has changed in
ways that feel corrective because of recognizing and appreciating more
of the qualities of love, the deeper and rich qualities, like patience,
trust, and forgiveness.
I
see myself less fearful of failure and more fearful of being alone.
There is a cynic who is dying in me, and that space is making room for
healthier narcissism. I see healthy narcissism as a label for loving
myself. Please don't confuse this with vanity or conceit. I am going
beyond the stereotypes of self love. I am opening myself up to the void
created by the dissipating anger that was created in me over years of
struggle and perceived defeats.
As
I learn to care for me, I find myself more able to care for others. The
better I understand my shadow qualities the better I am at forgiving
others shortcomings. I have been unprepared for how much self love
could alter my understanding of the world. I am on a "high love
content" diet that will reduce my "high cynicism pressure". I love
myself, and now I am working to be congruent with how I treat you. This
is my way point. I hope to see you along the way, it might not be
graceful but I hope it is received with mercy.