I have learned that many parts of societal expectations can limit how a man can let love happen. A man struggles to love, balancing many paradoxes, making love a challenge. Men are asked to be loving, when does this happen? The qualities of love are in contradiction with the preconceived and engrained systematic hopes that society has for men. Some of these characteristics that seem contradictory to love is toughness, aggression, resistance, power, fearlessness, wealthy, and flawless. Love seems to be restrained by fear and punishment, but moments of brilliance find a way to be expressed.
I've felt like I have loved best when I balance contradicting states. The gravity in this case is the extremity of each characteristic, leading to undermining and teetering. If I am vulnerable I must also remain stable, appearing strong. When I am gentle can there still be aggression? When I am caring I'd like to maintain plenty of toughness. I need to be in touch with my emotions, but I feel like emotions are better processed in a sacred place, out of site. How come toughness is measured by emotional control? When I want to speak softly I feel weak and childish. When I want to be honest I fear using words that will hurt. When I try to love I feel like I can't fail or make mistakes so I wait until the conditions are absolutely right because if I screw up its going to hurt. This is hesitation and hesitation lacks confidence. If I adopt a humble attitude I lose in the power game, and the power game glitters. I'd like to glitter but still remain modest. Love is like acrobatics, biking, or rock climbing its a process of falling, failing, and hurting before it becomes second nature.
The learning curve for love can be steep but it depends on who you are loving. When the company you are loving loves me, balancing is comfortable and falls occur with grace. When loving with those who fear or despise me, balancing becomes a challenge and the falls lead to injury. My love is expressed in moments, but my effort can be measured in tears and apologies. I'm an amateur at best hoping to make heavens Olympic team.