Life has taken an sad turn of events. Events that have me doubting and mistrusting myself and others. Life has unfolded a new perspective on being perceived. This is both tragic and opportunistic. I am being routed into uncharted experiences. Consequently I have fallen into empathy. A good hot steaming pile of empathy. It has helped me believe that the currency of heaven is empathy. Until I can fully be an empathetic witness to other's experiences, I cannot achieve understanding. If I cannot reach understanding then there will be no room for compassion. And compassion is my proverbial "Hillary Step" to empathy.
There are two areas of misunderstanding that have become excitedly clearer for me. The first is the quality and insecurity of not being desired. I occasionally reminisce and ponder how I could have been a better husband. I remember the importance of being wanted and needed and how that distorted my perceptions of closeness. It also motivated my actions. This has me wondering. I currently and often question my potential to be a good husband. I can be a selfish and independent person, some might say to mine and others detriment. I see how balance is necessary. Closeness, Can I maintain it? There are times when I feel capable, there are times when I mistrust myself, and there are times when I think it might be best to never try. I have come to a conclusion.
My conclusion is that what I chose to believe is an orientation. If I believe that I am gonna struggle then that is the direction I am going to take. If I believe that not trying is the safest, then life might be isolated. Once I have an orientation then I must muster up some motivation. My needs are my motivation. I have struggled to find my genuine needs. I often get distracted from what I need by what I perceive others wanting. I am learning to be a better judge of my genuine needs, but coming from a collective culture I have a tendency to compromise my needs despite my clarity. My will and intentions are the energy I use to take each step. Each step represents an action, behavior, or thought. As I progress on towards my destination I'll fail, stumble, hustle, rest, and even re-orientate. Failures in my past have been seen as obstacles. Now with age I have grown my patience and experience. I know that they are indicators of risk and preparedness. The health of my choices are an important quality to choosing each step. Where I end up is the exciting unknown. I know I can be a healthy husband, I am not foolish to think that I won't make mistakes, and I am fairly certain that I don't want a lifetime of solitude.
The second area of misunderstanding is the value in being perceived and interpreted. This is still revealing itself to me.
Dedicated to a brother, friend, and motivator....I love you Brad Fagan...An active duty Husband.